Thursday, September 10, 2009

Small Penises

The New South Wales Government's male-focussed "Pinkie" campaign (view commercial) against speeding has apparently been very successful, showing that men are more scared of people thinking they've got a small penis than of having their nose grated off by asphalt during a car accident. The Roads and Traffic Authority website says that 53 percent of young males surveyed have said that they would be more likely to comment on someone's driving as a result of seeing the "Pinkie" campaign.

With this in mind, I have decided to draw direct corellation between various (mostly) male actions that irritate me and the perpetrator's undeniably small penis, in the hope that I can start getting people vocal and working towards stopping each of these heinous crimes.

Irrefutable Evidence of Posessing A Small Penis #1:
Flair Bartending

These fools can't just pour my goddamn drink. Instead they gotta roll the bottle up their arm, around the back of their neck, flick it in the air, catch it in their mouth, then remove the lid with their eye socket before I can get a bourbon and coke. I have asked for a bottle of beer before and had to wait an extra THIRTY SECONDS while this guy behind the bar tries (and misses) at least five times trying to deftly flick the top off with his flat aluminium bottle opener that holds permenant residency next to his right arse cheek. And the bottle was a twist top.

Every time I see one of these Kokomo-listening motherfuckers spin a bottle in the air, I pray for them to miss it on the way down, that the bottle will strike the edge of the bar and spray their tanned faces with sharp, injurious glass. If that day ever comes, I just hope I've got a camera ready.



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